F.A.M.E

fame... its a odd word.... something that one would want to know and yet shy away from...
i know i would never get a chance to know and embrace that word... i do feel that as things are running smooth for me... path are being layed out nicely so that it would be a smoother journey... but would i ever reach that moment? i doubt it....
but as time goes now... fame is not what i am looking for really.... it is more of a survival need that i am searching for... searching for projects to continue working and sustaining this life.... i'll be lying if i dont admit to being glad and happy if that word comes along with the job that do... but if it doesnt then so be it... i am still contempt i guess...
you must be wondering what triggered me to write this entree.... i dont really know actually... its just this feeling of tracking some people that i knew off and how that word has changed their life...
please GOD if i do get there dont let it blind me.... i would want to stay focus.....

jb town

finally im back in my own room, on my own bed.... it feels soo much better now rather than having a hotel room.. not that i complain... but finally the end of my 5 days misery staying down in jb..
i kinda feel bad... i had a day off in jb and i didnt go and visit my aunt.... why oh why and yet i spent that day lingering around and trying to find a purpose and something to do in town (which at the rate that things are going in jb there was nothing)
when i was walking down the roads of JB town trying to recall sweet memories .... it was kinda odd that rather than feeling joy and happy at the development i felt sad and hollow... the jb that i know and loved has lost its spirit and has lost its energy.... it is growing fast... shops of different kinds growing here and there ... but yet besides all this consumerisme ... nothing else seems to make sense... the people no longer seemed to matter ... the vadeei uncle is still alive( god bless his sweet soul) not forgeting to throw in a few extra vadeei when ever i buy some from him...
when i traced back my tracks.... images of the old me growing up in jb came back... images of mama bringing me up alone seemed so close.... images of those happy days with papa were visible... i missed those days... i missed having a family unit.... i didnt want to go back to papa's house coz i dont really know if i could take it.... knowing that he is no longer there waiting on his chair for his son to come home from school... knowing that he wont be there to pass me my breakfast in the morning that he has made so that his son would not be hungry in school.... my papa is now just my memory.... im too caught up with this life that i forget.... maybe one day i shall be strong enough to return and pay homage....
till that day comes i shall wait and i shall miss....

26

my official entree at the age of 26... 26 is an odd figure really... its neither here nor there... hummm... some what like how i am feeling now.
im leaving for jb tomorrow for bout a 5 days... i am sure that it will be ultra boring to an extream of no return hahahahahahahaha.... unless of course i make it colorful... but then how much colorful can i make it to be? jb is so small and so limiting that its really sickening...
i wonder how can any normal person survive jb? or am i the weird one out ... hummmm
anyhow... im gonna try to make the best out of the situation...
i am 26

still sick

i dont really know what to call the condition tht i am in currently as i no longer have the fever but then i feel like puking and my mouth taste nasty... i feel floaty, hungry and yet i cant stand the sight of food..........
what did i do to deserve such a sickness.... i think its majorly bad and horrible ... someone help me.... i cant turn 26 in this condition..... this is not good....

im sick

i just recently got back from location shoot... then i fell sick... really sick... it was 2 days of high fever mixed with a throbing head.... but i count my lucky star as it came right after our mothers day lunch....
i am now in a moment of ultimate blurness.... its that moment when you recover from fever that you kinda like fall into this stupid trance... hahaha for whatever credit i could give hey i have the next 2 days to be stupid....
see you guys at 26...

HE is listening

i know, some of you who reads this entree would raise one eyebrow and laught at me... i dont care really... i have always had faith that HE listens to me.... among all HIS creatures i feel that i am unworthy of HIS love and i am lost at all recognition... but i stood corrected by the kindness that HE bestows upon me....why?.... people say that we should always have HIM in our hearts but then the original truth of it all is that we only think of HIM when we are at our most need and when we are down... i dont know bout all of you but i am surely guilty of this... and yet HE has never let me stray too far away.... even to learn to love HIM i need to ask for assistance...
Recently, i was at my most down as i felt unworthy, unloved and useless... and an opportunity came for me to reach out and change that... i know its a big risk but i took it... as i was waiting i grasp for HIM to stand next to me... cause i felt small standing alone... and without my noticing HE was standing there listening to my cry when my loud scream seemed silent... finally HE proved to me HIS presence.... and i feel it... it feels soo beautiful and it feels so enriched.... i know i am not a good person nor am i a good muslim but with HIM there i shall slowly but surely evolve one day to be the muslim that HE wants me to be...insyaallah...
I stand witness that there is no god besides ALLAH and I stand witness that Muhammad is HIS messenger...

i did something really wrong

i dont like how i feel currently.... i did something really bad and wrong.... i should not have done such a thing.... it is so low of me.... but i didnt know how else to do such a thing... in the situation tht i am in... i am sorry... i know im not suppose to and i know how selfish i am being... but i just cant help it... i really needed the help but i dont know to bark at which direction.... if say i do bark would people hear my call.... would people notice....i dont know and i dont think i am ready to know as sometimes the truth hurts..... i promise i will stop one day and i will repent... but as for now i needed to and i wanted to... its eating me and it hurts but guess i would just have to live with it for now.... i know, YOU know how it hurts me to do so.. please i need YOU now to help me get thru... please dont abandon me....

Happy Labour Day

Happy Labour Day........... yesterday i had to be involved in jac's latest MTV... and i did catering hahahahahaha ironic... she is such a sweetheart... i reached home at 7am and guess what they were still shooting... yes they were... but jac was very professional about it and took it under her belt.... and her voice... her voice.... her voice.... i was just speechless when i heard her sing...
pictures above were taken in media prima(my ex work place) at the said 5am in the morning...
i meet up with the girls tonite to chill... spoke about alot of different matters about the things that is happening in our life... about the people that we met recently... and i told them bout my latest revelation... i want to get married.... hahahahaha.... you should see the look on their faces... it was just priceless... but yeah... i finely found it in me that i would want to get together with someone and spend my life with them forever(depending when it ends)... i have always known that i would one day want to have kids... how could i not when i see my little muses grow up and being there for them ..... but now i want to compliment it with getting married... and no its not my clock ticking away... and definitely i will not just rush into it.... hey theres alot to think about and money is one of the biggest issue... and of course first i have to find myself a girl.... hahahahahaha... duhhhh.... but yeah its just hard to explain why and how i came to this decision....but at this point it just seems logical to me... it does..... hummm... i guess not all things are meant to be logical... certain things should just let it happen and progress naturally...allrite then.. im going to bed... nite all.