Friday, June 27, 2008

effective memory

last night i had a mid nite shoot.. giler mata aku macam panda.. baru jer ingat nak cantik menarik tetarik ... the shoot brought out alot of me last night.. i didnt like myself last night.. it was a very intense scene between 2 friends.. yang tak logicnya aku terbawak bawak watak aku kedalam dunia aku sendiri.. susah wei.. semakin hari aku dalami watak aku semakin hari aku sayang kat ko-actor aku... yep, its not the sort of cinta aku nak mati kalau tak jumpa punya sayang.. its more of kecik-kecik dulu kite main guli, curi ice-cream kat kedai pak mat, kat university aku kasi ko cinta ngn awek yang aku memang suka tapi takpe, dah besar aku nak anak aku kawen ngan anak ko.. and that ccould not and surely must not happen as man i only know this fella like what 3 weeks.. hahahaha.. aduh tular dulu chris jacob ajar aku ponteng... i need to learn how to close this window.. as an actor i must tune out...aduhhh parah macam nie... nanti dapat watak kaki rogol susah tiap tiap hari nanti nak main jer keje..
after being triggered by the writer and director last night the new years eve incident 4 years ago seemed fresh and real and im still struggling to turn off.. please i need focus.. i need closure .

Sunday, June 22, 2008

stinky bum

aiyoohhhh... wah giler penat... 5 days in kuantan really is taxing.. joshua tape's shoot is coming to an end very soon.. we have 1 week more to finish.. im enjoying it really.. the cast, crew and most importantly the friends i've made on this shoot. i'm even sad that i might just miss josh even so how clingy he is hahahaha..
semua yang berlaku secara langsung atau tidak has a cause and effect and ironic giler sebab setiap yang berlaku pada i sekarang bagai mencerminkan perasaan i pada sesuatu masa itu(cewahh berbahasa kite ye hahahaha)
ok before i get out of hand on the whole bahasa and all i wanna send a shout out to everyone that has made this trip a good one specially people of kuantan..
oh ya, before i forget i dedicate this entry to my little "stinky". he is the most considered, gentle and yet cunning at the same time, well well well i see where that rubbed off.. i was slumped in the room and he came in hugging me and told me how he missed me.. ohhh and i made him cry by sending him to sleep with his mom uhhh i love my kids i really do... i love you stinky bum!!

Monday, June 09, 2008

papa's house

this entry is a special entry for me and might just be the last entry that i write about ssomething very close to my heart and something from my past.. my papa's house..
i still remembered when papa wanted that house as he wanted us to have a bigger piece of lawn (which knowing papa later was fenced up for security reason.. believe me i grew up in fort knox ok so really if you think that you grew up in a prison please think twice hahahahaha but it was no prison to me.. i felt safe in papa's house..) the memories that i had in that house.. until today i could still remember my father would sit on his favorite chair every day at noon waiting for his son to come home from school as he knows precisely what time i would be walking into the front gate... as i walk thru he would then ask how had my day been, after answering him he would then usher me off to have lunch and rest..
how about the times where my papa would be watering his plants, he loved his plants specially his orchids.. his prized possessions... or when he was really crossed with me for taking his money to spend at the school canteen day without asking his permission... those were happy days spent in papa's house then of course came the days where mama and i mourned at papa's death in those dark hours spent in that house..
those moments i can never relate to anyone else as its mine to keep even so now i have decided to let my fathers house go.. it is now on the market as i am selling it off... the condition of it torn, worn out, crumbling into pieces that i have never imagined possible.. my papa's house.. once stood tall and yet now crumbling.... i do not have the heart to do so but at the same time i have not the will to continue...
i am letting go of papa's house.. it does not mean that i am letting go of my papa's memories.. he knows what i am going thru and i know that he stands next to me in this decision.. i lovee you pa....