i am fighting this....

this is really harder than i think i would have been...... im running out of sanity...... it never kinda like dawn to me that i would have to go thru this......... i'm standing alone........... all of the sudden it feels as if im trapped on this extreamly small island with just sea around me.......... i can see smoke from nearby vessels but then it seems so difficult for me to reach out and swim across..... sometimes the blue of the waves seems so calm.....i wonder how it feels to submerge in it and just let the calmness and the silence of it rock me to sleep...................the feeling of just sleeping and not having to worry that you would have to wake up again......it seems so calm...so calm....