Happy new year

i feel so numb now... the sadness stays with me ... but rather than feeling utterly sad i feel numb...
i dont know if that is normal or not.... i amaze myself how i could put a mask on and enjoy the nite with my frens....
i enjoyed their company but at the end of it i feel lonely...
my career is just on its starting point...
i now am in a relationship...
but i still cant stand to live with myself...to know that i am some what or rather lonely...
i just wish that i could take something to make this feeling i have go away...
constantly living in this happy land of fraud is not working for me...
its not others to blame...i choose upon myself to put the mask on...
i choose the emotions on the mask...
when would i be comfortable to let this person that i am be seen...
when would this person inside be allowed to come out and show the world who he really is...
he is not strong...
he is full of faults...
he is full of flaws...
he looks tall and strong standing there alone but in actual fact he is not...
he is just a normal human being....
who is afraid to get hurt...
come on wake up...
but what if waking up is not a wise and pleasant choice?
what if waking up means hurting more...
sometimes it is just inviting the idea of sleeping and never having to wake up...
constantly in peace...
looks like its not a good start...
the little white candy is smiling back at me...
i might just ask for its help...
and it might just agree...
happy new year to me.