sin sin sin

i have not sleep for the past 3 days..... i have had to write for motor sport... something tht i have had no interest in previously.... if it was not because of a certain kindd soul tht i respect than i would definitely reject that project.... i know i shall sin but i really feel like having a beer and a ciggie currently... i can taste the suds now... kilkenny.... ok hold on boy... chill.... chill... you can past this .... its just a test mate.... chill.....i want to sleep.... my brain is tired but my body still moves.... ironic aint it..... hahahaha...... hummmmm..hummmmm..hummmm

ZzZZzzZZzz

i am at work and i am sleepy... sleepy at work... hahahahha... ive got a script to get done by tomorrow nite or shall i say tonite... well i guess this is the time i pray that my insomenia kicks in.. but now i am sleepy... hahahaha... my editor is currently on the x box trying to beat roddick but wait i think he has beaten roddick... looks like its work all up again for me this time yes it is... currently i am up for a hosting job at the same time ... its now down to me and another fellow that i know... and i have this feeling that i might not get this job... i want it but as someone once said to me i am yesterdays news...hahahahaha.. odd aint it for someone who has always been viewed as having extra confidence oozing out his nostrils i am currently not confident at all...
sounds like a down turn for me from now on or has it been a constant rejection that i am feeling this way... well soon enough we shall see the results or shall i say the outcome...
but i hold on to the principal what is mine shall be mine.. i have put my effort into trying to make it work my way.. and if it does than by gods will but if it turns out opposites than hey its not my time yet... like most things that happens in this world there should be a reason and there always is.. its just that do we see it or not .. or a matter of fact if we want to see or not...
allrite ... should get back to work and save you guys from more.. till next time.. nite all... just keep working.. working .. working

87

ok ok... i know this is gonna sound sick... i went and visited my fren gary's blog and i had this sudden urge and this sudden flash of what i want to do came into my mind..... i finally found what i want to play.. and i have decided that i would want to play a character with a dark secret .. who lives this double life... for examplae a church going father of two .. who inside would want to plunge his tongue down the neighbours son's throat.... someone with an alter ego that they try to confine and not let out to the world.......yes and i shall play them.....

88

i know.. i know its already 10.30pm and i have yet to start on my 2 letters and also the mediavest booklet.. hahahahaha... im just struck with a laziness that is just extreamly lazy.... urghhh try justifying that hahahaha.... i even managed to catch a 15 minute shut eye just now... well i did havea hectic day....
this past week or so i have seen so many people who has shown me how much they belived in me and see a capibility that i myself dont know exist... hahahaha... odd.. me, baki zainal not seeing my own potentials and things that i am capable of doing.... hummm unimaginable ... but its just like most things that happens to all of us where we are all at one point or the other uncertain of some a talent that we are granted and am at that constant search for it...hummm... mind games 101...
the picture aboe does not have anything to do with my entree today and also how i am feeling today... its just there for no reasons.... y do we need a reason for everything? nite all... time to start work.

fu-yoh!!

ok i know for certain and you guys know for certain that this picture below is not me and will never be me(unless of course i go and have those airbrush things done to me) but i have always treaded on a site where i would want to have maori tribal tattoo done..... no i am not maori.. with all due respect to them ... i have always been attracted to their culture and art. The savage beast as what the west calls them, but being malay and being maori has so many similiarities ..... hahaha you must be asking why in the first place am i actually writing this out ... i was just facinated with this picture.... hahahaha

closer

this how i feel tonite

du bi du bi du

i woke up at 3 today.... lingered in the shower... dragged my feet down for lunch....and now sitting infront of my little ibook trying to make sense of such a lazy sunday........... i am ultimately lazy today.... its a wet wet sunday......

weddings

me and the Noel girls at anne's wedding

my partner in crime(NOEL) Anne Yeow looking 1 in a million

Glen and Zazina(my niece)

My sister, niece(Zazina) and her dad

Shel and Clydes cam char touch up

ok this is my tribute the to the weddings of early 2007....

family potret

my princess

MTV awana

lazing

sharing a laugh with mak long

at the market bebs

pictures

SS Penang they are the bomb

parrot attack in a'famosa

princess yaya and the boats of kelantan

ainul you rock

the monkeys at the monkey open uni

hahahaha okay im gonna flood my blog with pictures now... so bare with me.. and enjoy.

lucid

Sometimes we can't stop but to feel empty inside... having tons to do and yet still lingering with a lost purpose... hahahaha... lingering with a lost purpose.... a term used too often too soon these days..
Sometimes i cant stand but to feel that i am fighting for a lost purpose... a purpose that is not made its standings firm...dont get me wrong... i believe and feel strongly for this fight but then because of the lucidness i cant make others see the same picture as i do...
Its similiar with alot of matters that some what influences our surroundings... be it religion, political issues, relationship.. how many times has it been that we put an extra bit more in the relationship and that person that we love just blindly without regret breaks our heart?...calling it off without even putting up a fight... even when we have tried to present and make them see what we see and hope that they believe in fighting for the same cause...call me old fashion...call me stupid... i believe that one should always fight for something that they truly believe in and want make happen...easy said than done... the countless moments that i just breakdown and not want to see the reasonings anymore... ahahhahaha....
sorry to put you guys thru this random thoughts that i have .....i guess i just have to weight the importance and keeping on with the struggle and hope and pray that one fine day it would finally pay off....

i have the sudden urge

i have the sudden urge to write.... its been a really long time since i last blogged... i dont really know why it was really hard for me to blog.. its not like i didnt have the time for it. i kinda did have time.. maybe it was just that i didnt have the urge to do so.. what am i talking about...
well for the past week or so many things have happened..... i am now on the verge of being broke again... hahahaha... how money flows and the best part i didnt see it go out. it just went...
my bro having a GF and having problems with the GF humm... it was really odd when i saw the girl and getting to know her... she reminded me as how i was at a younger age.. not that i am claiming that i am old...huhuhuhuh...
many sales and fairs to attend.....
i really cant focus.. thats the bad thing now... theres many changes that needs to be done in my life.. some major some not... sacrifices that needs to take place and actions that needs to be taken... i cant go on living like this... tanpa keberkatan apa itu kehidupan?... i need to be strong and fight the urges that comes along... sometimes i feel that life is a joke... but then when i come to think about it, its not a joke but i make it a stupid joke... i have to stop doing that and live up to it................please help.... im asking you.... please

Slowly

its been a while since i last wrote in this blog... its not like i have been extreamly busy i mean i have been busy all this while but then i still had the time to write... but then this time around i really dont have the feelings to write... hummm i dont really know why....
lets just see what have i been up to recently? not much really besides getting to go london at the end of the year, umm helping out the ensemble on their production and attending some auditions here and there... nothing much else...
really i feel bit empty and boring not much emotions currently running thru me... i have an auditions to attend to tomorrow and i really hope that i get the job... please god please.... then lets just say that many things could be solved... but then i dont look like VJ material... i mean they definitely am looking for some model looking people.. yup... but hey yeah i just hope the industry would give me a try... please.... anyways we shall just see...
aite people am going to bed now nite...

Mengejar Matahari

i was flipping thru channels just now and caught this indonesian flick Mengejar Matahari... it mainly revolved around this character and his relationship with 3 of his other friends that grew up together... and how their friendship blossoms and grew as time passed... how innocents lost and knowledge gained and striving to turn dreams into reality....
anyways i am not here to give a review of the movie.. please no no i'll spare you guys... but what really caught my attention was when the character said that "berbagai orang keluar dan masuk didalam kehidupan ini tetapi yang kekal dihati itu adalah teman sejati."... ok fine i am a sucker when it comes to staying loyal and holding a friendship ghosh.. i just hope some people share how i feel hahahaha...i think that is too much to ask... but i have always seen the truth in that statement...
many of us because of being caught up in this whole rat race and this whole spure of the moment that we forget and we tend to take people for granted...how many of us are guilty of being caught being happy and celebrating with people that we have just met and yet discarding people that have been there for us all this while and only remembering them when it comes as an importance to us... i can say i am as guilty in that as anyone else is...
the whole feeling or spirit of "Brotherhood" or "Loyalty" don't seem to really creep in... we claim we have it.. we hope we have it.. but then its never evident... but then hummm.. i dont know the more i think about this subject the more depressed i get.. its very late am going to try to get up early from tomorrow onwards... orang tua-tua kata rezeki tak masuk kalau bangun lambat... oh ya i am gonna now make this blog public thus i will be announcing that Baki Zainal owns this blog... nite all.

Big Ben

Hurray!!!
on the 19th i received an email confirming my trip to london some where end of the year... the best thing is that i would be working along side people from the SOHO theater company in london huhuhuh... i would not create the same mistake that i did with NYFA last year... this time around i am going so help me GOD.
Watching the program that i help build growing and receiving really good viewership just makes me grin from side to side... one cant stop to feel proud but i shall not gloat at it... but downside of this job is that paychecks come in big but late... ahhhhh....im down to my last RM2 hummm how am i to survive? lets just see.
oh ya bit of self indulgence today on my blog my skin is starting to peel... soo sad i look extreamly ugly if the elephant man was to go againnts me in a beauty pageant i'll loose thumb down(as if thats something different) hahahahahahahaha allrite nite nite all

burned

My body is in pain….. help hahahahahaha….i sat in the sun too long by the beach “fishing”. It was an extremely calming experience…but then now since my skin is burned I guess it’s a price that I have to pay…oh man I think I have had too many holidays within the given 3 months of 2007…that I am constantly in a holiday mood and am just figuring where to go next…everything has to be done in moderation but I guess moderation does not fit into my dictionary…
Guess what I did not even have time to click away on the camera…. I was so busy fishing that I forgot all about saving some memories on still…but just being there among the waves, looking out into the horizon with a rod within your strong grip holding it erect so that any vibrations from the rod could be felt. Waiting, waiting patiently while your mind leaves itself blank and like a sponge soaking in every sensation that could be felt while the sun bless you with its warm rays… and when the rod rocks and you tighten your grip and reels it home while your victim puts up a fight and pulling forth as you pull back, while finally you get to see the results is just amazing….
Being there and looking out into the horizon I cant stop to feel tiny compared to his other creations…realizing that within seconds I could just be swallowed and without realization never have existed…. Life is just too short and precious I guess for us to pay attention to pity little things mind you not details put pity little things that we fight about on a day to day basis…neglecting people that we love and care and sometimes because of the big E swallowing certain emotions that we would have wanted them to know…. Is it really worth it? I guess I don’t have the answer and the feeling of not constantly having the answer is bliss… not having to know…. For you guys who are reading this I MISS YOU…THANK YOU…. I APPRECIATE YOU… YOU ARE CHERISHED…. YOU ARE LOVED.
I don’t want to create the same mistake again….
Hahahahaha funny how I just wanted to scribble on my adventures to pahang… arghhh… allrite guys till then.

the downs of having a lap top

Having a lap top has lots of good use to it but on the downside.. specially when your boss knows that you can do your work any where.... why...

big waves

ok.. i know i just came back from a holiday, but here i am on the beach typing away as the breeze hits me and the waves coming to shore... i am now in this place called pasir hitam in pahang...
i am at peace as i am with my element... althou i am still in hope of london but yeah its taking my mind away from the waiting.. hahahaahaha ok guys i shall update my blog again when i reach kl with more pictures of me and my muse hahahahhaha i feel like bel and mimi now... till then nite nite

i cant sleep

it is a very warm night(i wonder why in the first place did i buy that warm comforter in ikea for) even the aircon aint doin it right.....
it does not help with me being used to turning in at 4am or 6am in the blinking morning for the past god knows month...i have work to work 2morow and i can sleep(i so wish that this house has a bath tub that i could just run a nice bath and put my sleep into lala land)...
i kinda realized for the past year or so that i started to blog, most of my entries are just bout me bitching on life and certain incidents that happens to me.. i envy people who could actually post really good mind boggling articles or topics on their blogs.. i mean i thank the al mighty that i dont specify the meatballs i had for lunch on my blog or even the event of me shaving my pubes on the site but just in general things that i cant rant in life to other people and hoping that i dont sound self indulgence like... hummm....
i'll be home alone for the weekend as family is heading down south for a couple of days and i have a few things that i need to sort out, theres the coffin aint big enough, theres the cloudbreak exchange interview(please god i really want london) and of course the inconvinient truth( did i spell that right) and i shall try to see how will i balance all this on the budget that i have currently..hahahahahahaha.. i wonder how sasha is doing now that nik is in hawaii.. good luck babes..
see its still just bout me.. and nothing else(i so hope that i dont sound like this in real life coz then people would think or have already think that i am soo into me) i know its not a crime or anything but i just feel like its a habit that i have to kick... the initial idea of having this blog in the first place is to share with this world bout things that i'm concern about(and yes al-gore beat me to it damn those americans hahahahahahaha) and yet the only thing that came out from the tapping of my fingers on my keyboard is just plain complaints and bitching on how life has been dealing me a bad deck and ruining my grand plans(hey i could have been among the two that they sent over to russia for the space program k)....
huhhhhhhh.. maybe i should just try... but i wont want to come across as trying to sound smart while in real life i'm not that smart( its the weirdest and the stupidest thing a person can do) they say that you should write bout something that is close to your heart. then i guess my frens this is whats close to my heart.. or maybe infact i am just a sad case that does not have anyone to rant my life to....

since you've been gone

sometimes i think too much... hummm...
i guess theres not too much to worry and that there is still hope..
eventhou it wont be as how it was last time and having to share but the feelings are still there... to be honest i missed it soo badly....
but i shall be gratefull for the moments tht i get...
and silently pray that it would one day return to how it used to be...

escape

hahahaha this is pictures of me and muses during our out most recent escaped... my brother has declared this year as cuti-cuti malaysia year for our family soooooo .... looks like will be seeing more of the islands and beaches for me this year.... ahh heaven.

Zara

i am fighting this....

this is really harder than i think i would have been...... im running out of sanity...... it never kinda like dawn to me that i would have to go thru this......... i'm standing alone........... all of the sudden it feels as if im trapped on this extreamly small island with just sea around me.......... i can see smoke from nearby vessels but then it seems so difficult for me to reach out and swim across..... sometimes the blue of the waves seems so calm.....i wonder how it feels to submerge in it and just let the calmness and the silence of it rock me to sleep...................the feeling of just sleeping and not having to worry that you would have to wake up again......it seems so calm...so calm....

my feelings

I Cant Make You Love Me..

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

i guess i 'll just have to try

last nite.. it was very sweet of joy to have invited me over to her house for a little dinner do, thanks joy.... later in the evening i received some some news that did hurt me in some ways... something that i would never have thot would happend but i guess now it is happening and it is out of my control to stop it from happening...the only wise thing to do now is to just let it happen and stand aside and watch... i dont know if i could be strong enough to watch but i gave my word and i would have to... i need moral support... but i guess this time i have to face this one alone.

Saved by the bell

hurray... i did not miss my nieces wedding!!!! i am soo happy!!
i still managed to get a hold of my sister 3 hours before the wedding..
i do hope that zazina had a good wedding....
i know she must have looked stunning...
congrates darling... will post pictures of her wedding once i received it ya...
oh ya for everyone out there GONG SI FA CHAI... may the hog brings along with it plenty of prosperity, wealth and happiness for everyone!!!

stupid is just not the word

what has become of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW COULD I FORGET ME OWN NIECES WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
its like now everyone is gonna like hate me.... becoz i forgot...... i mean i am like really busy but thats not the point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you dont forget this type of stuff.....
how can you forget your nieces wedding in melbourne?
how is that possible baki how?
ohhh im soo angry with myself , im not gonna talk to myself...

.....

ok you know what i am not going to try and act smart and write on about life and its whole mistery coz currently my brains are dead and i am sure nothing smart nor interesting would come out of it. trust me.
just now i attended a PC for teman and it was really odd seeing this program that is half your baby and how now its growing and that all you could do is just stand back and smile and look at it grow without wanting to be there in the limelight being recognize for it... hummmm... is that not interesting or what... i wish those 2 girls all the best and hope that with this program it jump starts their career....
i guess the saying is right you have to wait for that moment... if that moment is yours then even how far they go you would still be able to catch it. but so if its not yours then heck eventhou its smack in your face you would not recognize it... i dont knw what im typing about..
ohh ya... i made it thru valentines with no scare this time... hurray for me!!!!! i kinda like knew that i would recover but this time around it was extra fast and the best part about it is that i dont need to go on and sulk... i just brave thru it...i guess thats what you have got to do to survive the whole feeling of not having that someone next to you... humm come to think about it, it was kinda funny the way that i was sure that this time around i found someone to share my feelings with someone who could wake that person in me again.. what was i thinking come on.... on a 19 year old... huhhh i dont think she even knew what she wanted in the first place... i dont blame her i sorta didnt know what i want when i was 19 infact i still dont know what i want but i dont go around breaking hearts(or did i)... but i wasnt being a good BF too... i understand at her age being in a relationship is like one of those hallmark moments where its all flowery and you get to see each other every single moment but then thats not the case for me in this relationship...why am i calling it a relationship in the first place it isnt a relationship( a relationship is when 2 people who get together and makes and effort and fight for being together... something we were lacking or shall i say i was lacking i guess.) the silly part of it all was this feeling in me that hoped and wanted to make it work...what was i thinking...hahahaha i never think thats the problem i guess... i somewhat knew that she really wanted out but then that silly part of me was trying to blind my logic and shelter me from the rejection( how can it be rejection she asked, i agreed, she wants out, i agreed) ....ohhh well there was not much for me to say when the answer that came was just plain hard facts that i know i could not bend..

special one

ok... this one is a special picture that you guys would sure not get hold from anywhere else.. its of far and me in battle of a bottle of bubbly (in regards that she does not drink) i couldnt resist but to put it on ....

My Valentines Post

ok.. its valentines day ... and soo?... hahahaha... sounding sour arent i... infact i am current listening to Bonnie Raits "i cant make you love me"... its always this feeling this time of the year... i mean yeah i swear that i would not be affected by i do.. when its time to be alone and all... ahahahahahaha... ohh stuff that.. cant really be bothered...
anyways i finally got a hold of some of shels wedding pictures from wai yee... thanks jap lady...yeah it was a sweet and fun event.. i enjoyed myself very much.. ok guys here you go

its valentines day again

.................................................

more more pictures

sorry to bore you guys with more pictures from the holiday...
1. langkawi river cruise.. eagle feeding session with langkawi coral.. Ed was just great
2.terengganu lunch... with bell doing a tourism ad..
3.jihan the bomb.... yummy laksa with cendol durian in jonker walk melaka.. yum yum
4. the aryani with mai... ala la busuk

ok all i shall try to stop uploading holiday pictures k.

awana n my muse

okay i know that the pictures are showing my tummy and its not a pretty sight but then its pictures of me and my muse in awana at the end of the monsoon playing with the waves... i love those boys...they are like my own...it was very relaxing

pictures

these are just some of the pics that was taken during the shoot... more would be uploaded soon i hope once i get everything sorted out as current i am still all over the place. hahahaha
introducing the 3 cun chics in the pics are Bell, Jihan, Mimie.. ok you guys go figure which is which....

i need time

january this year shall go down in history.... the weirdest and most amazing things happened to me this month... i traveled around peninsular malaysia twice... i love the beach and the sea it is soo calm... the breeze and the waves... i didnt want to leave i shall be back i promise...soon...hahahahaha... now i understand sasha...i need to find more time... im enjoying whatever i am doing... but i need time for my family and frens... ok family i am squeezing it in but the frens department is not happening... im really sorry guys... you guys know who you are... again i am sorry... this job is just taking soo much from me but hey i promise that i will try to like be bit more contactable....
i am now ready for more work after the short break that i took to rekindle my relationship with my family... hahahahaha... humm how am i going to do this ready for more work but at the same time wanting to squeez more time for frens and family? hummm i have to think bout that again. i'll figure something out.. i usually do... i need to go get an image revamp....soon.. i hope...
allrite... today is sunday... tomorrow is monday... the changes will slowly kick in tomorrow... you bet!!!!!

i am going somewhere

2006 ended on a bumpy note...and with that note i have learned a thing or two and i hope that what ever i learned will come in handy.
i have had the outmost weirdest starting for 2007... i felt as if i was suck into an oblivion of different emotions running in different directions. it was just pure madness... the feeling of numbness, happiness, lonelyness, anger all blend into one is just too much for my neurons to read hahahahahaha....
but i guess all this is a blessing. insyallah my rezeki is turning towards a more brighter pathway.. i am discovering new hidden talents ... i just pray that i can keep my feet on the ground...insyallah... i managed to experience life and my surroundings from a different perspective. new friends found, old friends cherrish..life is going well... bumpy at first... but slowly its getting better...
insyallah......

Happy new year

i feel so numb now... the sadness stays with me ... but rather than feeling utterly sad i feel numb...
i dont know if that is normal or not.... i amaze myself how i could put a mask on and enjoy the nite with my frens....
i enjoyed their company but at the end of it i feel lonely...
my career is just on its starting point...
i now am in a relationship...
but i still cant stand to live with myself...to know that i am some what or rather lonely...
i just wish that i could take something to make this feeling i have go away...
constantly living in this happy land of fraud is not working for me...
its not others to blame...i choose upon myself to put the mask on...
i choose the emotions on the mask...
when would i be comfortable to let this person that i am be seen...
when would this person inside be allowed to come out and show the world who he really is...
he is not strong...
he is full of faults...
he is full of flaws...
he looks tall and strong standing there alone but in actual fact he is not...
he is just a normal human being....
who is afraid to get hurt...
come on wake up...
but what if waking up is not a wise and pleasant choice?
what if waking up means hurting more...
sometimes it is just inviting the idea of sleeping and never having to wake up...
constantly in peace...
looks like its not a good start...
the little white candy is smiling back at me...
i might just ask for its help...
and it might just agree...
happy new year to me.

Happy new year

i feel so numb now... the sadness stays with me ... but rather than feeling utterly sad i feel numb...
i dont know if that is normal or not.... i amaze myself how i could put a mask on and enjoy the nite with my frens....
i enjoyed their company but at the end of it i feel lonely...
my career is just on its starting point...
i now am in a relationship...
but i still cant stand to live with myself...to know that i am some what or rather lonely...
i just wish that i could take something to make this feeling i have go away...
constantly living in this happy land of fraud is not working for me...
its not others to blame...i choose upon myself to put the mask on...
i choose the emotions on the mask...
when would i be comfortable to let this person that i am be seen...
when would this person inside be allowed to come out and show the world who he really is...
he is not strong...
he is full of faults...
he is full of flaws...
he looks tall and strong standing there alone but in actual fact he is not...
he is just a normal human being....
who is afraid to get hurt...
come on wake up...
but what if waking up is not a wise and pleasant choice?
what if waking up means hurting more...
sometimes it is just inviting the idea of sleeping and never having to wake up...
constantly in peace...
looks like its not a good start...
the little white candy is smiling back at me...
i might just ask for its help...
and it might just agree...
happy new year to me.

we reached the ending.

it happened few years ago... its this time around it happened again... but the different part of it this time around... i guess i am at fault too. i pushed him to the edge... and i don't blame him for taking the jump...
i am sorry... but i dont think there is any use of uttering those words now...
maybe it because i cared and loved him too much that is why i pushed...
maybe its because of my own insecurity i made him take the jump...
maybe it because of what was dealt my way before that i help him jump...
it does not matter anymore...
the pain that i feel currently is so real...
the pain that i keep now is just too real...
it does not matter anymore...
what i would give just to have him back...
maybe there is hope...
maybe not....
to say that i don't care
would be utterly lying
i do care...
i do want him back...
to blame it on the curse
i blame myself...
whats the use of pointing fingers...
four more points back to you...
if so it ends tonite...
good bye friend...
u shall be missed...

A Christmas Gift To all

My Friend,

If i could give you one thing , i wish for you the ability to see yourself as others see you.
Then you would realize what a truly special person you are.


We call that person who has lost his father an orphan, a widower that man who has lost his wife. but that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.

Cheers all

jingle bells

this years christmas brought alot of different meanings and feelings... hahahaha.... yes it did... it was shall i say a meaningful christmas.. i have always viewed christmas as having to have a lavish tree and the whole trimmings with it (something like johns house beb i love your crib man) hahahahaha but then this year i didnt have a tree and i was not back in NZ. i was here in KL tree less and yet it all went down beautifully.
i had family, frens and old time neighbours around me that was just priceless... they surounded me with so much love, warmth and the whole meaning that makes christmas so speacial..
freindships that has been rekindled and the joy of being with people that care for you is just priceless...
they say that during christmas one tells the truth.. and yes this year that was done.. we all found out a few truth... but for now i shall leave it at that and will update you when the time comes..

one more.....

opppssss one more........

its really hot today

ok to be honest rite i never evr thot i would come across these pictures at all... hahahahaha i would say thank you sums for uploading these picturesss.... huhuh...it is extreamly hot tonite ok..i really dont know why its like a typical summer day its hot and dry.. and i guess i have just gotten tired of the whole caroling business and decided to listen to club music on BBC seriousely guys who would have thoty that BBC would have cool channels like this... buut yeah 2 days to the big day and im bored with the whole festive shitand no guys i am not having my period.. even the least of itsaw the shoot schedule just now fuyohhh i am a happy man we have extra rest day in penang and the aryani kuala terengganu....it means i get to chill like the pro's but that also means that not much drinking can be done in langkawi but then it could also mean that i get to bring more to penang to booze away..hurrraaayyyyyyyy!!!!! booze anywhere is still heaven ok...i could feel its nectar already...damn its hot.. oklar guys going to meet up with an old fren of mine.. no drinks tonite clean fun clean funYEAH RITE!!!!!!!

color

this is my little munchkin.. anytime i say i send little devils for kumon well he is one of them. i love them i never really thot that one day i would actually say i would want one of my own but yeah looking at them grow..i think i do want my own.. i just wished that it was as simple as going down to toys r us and picking one up.. ok you guys must be thinking why all of the sudden its like different colors.. well let me just put it this way.. i was going thru other peoples blog and i realized how pretty theirs were and how plain and black(im not being racist) mine is so yeah i thot lets color it in a bit...anyways i'm off now...i have not really seen civilization for 2 days now...

shame on you baki... shame on you

after the whole auditions we finally found miss trendy and miss sporty... i shall not reveal them to you yet... jeng jeng jeng ... really cant wait to take that time out session and like go off for the shoot at least it would take me away from this whole craziness... humm went and tried out for the bernama news reader yesterday dont know yet if i would get it or not.... was worried shitless coz cant geth thru mama and the whole jb going thru "The day after tomorrow" shit was just scary and unthinkable k... it was like literally like the movies where your just helpless and cant do anything about it and cant do anything else to help...but just sit there and wait like a waiting duck... why do i have to be this hopeless romantic who just constantly is a magnet for selfish heartless people.... hummm its one of those life misteries that one just cant solve.

teman auditions

it fels really different to be seating on the other side of an audition... this weekend i have learned that auditioning is not an easy job and making that choice is just not as easy as it seems.... the worse part is to reject or send them home time... i decided to play the bad guy this time around and it was really hard specially when you know that the person that you have just sent home is really talented but because of her skin color she didnt qualify... but among all i am very satisfide with the finallist or shall i say with the girls that we kinda put our eyes to... there is such thing as beauty with brain i mean not much but at least there is bits of fragment of brains still there... hahaha... i am being mean..anyways the final call and decision would only be made tomorrow noon so you participants cross your fingers and pray to god that your in

good evening

hahahaha the title is like literally i had a very nice evening... good food, great place and good company... tamarind springs is just majestic... the whole feel to the place... its worth every single penny really.. ahhhhh

come one come all

hey girls check this out and come over for the auditions!!!! i promise you shall have the time of your life!!!!

i no longer want to waste my time in making new frens

i hate this.... i hate it.... i hate this feeling... i just feel extreamly fucked up at the moment... i should have learned my lessons and never trust these idiots who comes into my fucking life and fools me into accepting them into my circle and fools me into trusting them and at the end of the day just decides to bugger off and just fuckes right out of my life. Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant fucking care anymore..... if more people feels like they want to fuck rite out then be my fucking guest!!!!!

its a rainy day

i love wireless... ahhhhhhh
ok fine some of you would be saying that how ketinggalan zaman i am now baru nak ada wireless.. well guys as a fren of mine said layan a bit can or not..
its raining out side.. i am lazzing on my bed as i type away.... i was visiting Cherry tomato farah's blog and it sparked an idea for me to recap 2006... some really cool stuff happend and some not soo cool ones too.. so in todays edition i shall be a bit self indulgence and dedicate this entree to 2006 cheers

1.i took up the idea of "just ride the wave"
hahahahaha funny aint it.. coming from a control freak like me.. but i dont know i am enjoying it at least it leaves me with less headaches and heart aches.. i mean if it was meant to be then i would have been in NY by now but if i did take up NY then i would not have meet up with really cool and beautiful people from both TSOT and Media Prima... i love these guys they have been great and supportive...
if i didnt take the plunge to resign from NOEL and teaching then i would not have confirmed my family's undivided support and love to me... ive grown to cheerish them better day by day.. till today i am still learning

2.its ok to dream.. if you think hard enough it might just work
its true i am a dreamer and i cant change that...i have these idealistic scenes running in my head.. and nothing can stop me in staying that way... i tried to change as some part of society feels that its silly and its unheard off.. but then i suffered... i lost myself thru the way... and so one day a bird told me that its ok to dream just as long as you work towards your dream... only try not to get dissapointed easily when things dont go your way... keep on working it.

3. i learned to love again..
ok.. this is not because i just watch "Cinta".. along my journey this year...while i was running i accidentally stumble over a "red cherry tomato" and when i picked it up and looked at it closely i began to like the "cherry tomato" and as i examine it closer i realised that i might not be able to find the same "cherry tomato" ever... i took a bite but it tasted sour at first but now im getting used to the sour taste and hopefully one day it might just turn sweet.

4. take the risk..
its ok to just let go and take the risk not knowing if you would swim or drown.....ikve taken some major risk this year and i have no regrets as it has turned out ok...i mean there was a period of time that some stuff was just not going my way with risk that i have taken but then that didnt stop me from taking futher risk... infact this coming days i shall be taking a very big risk that might just break me or build m...insyaallah it shall work my way....

5. i have my loses too
i have just lost an aunt of mine... i see her as a final link between me and my fathers family.. i lost a Guru ... ok find i mean he is still around its just that i am no longer learning from him anymore... but now stepping outside and seeing his methods from the outside i understand him better...but with all this lost i think i gained so0 much more

this year is not like so canggih... i didnt get any special mention or award ... i didnt get any big contracts or anything like that... but i guess i learned alot and i gained so many new friends that are worthy to keep... but of all this i shall still work on the existing relationships that i have and hope that it would grow and bloom one day...

aite i am sleepy.. the rain is getting heavier what better time to take a nap... see you guys soon

Cinta

HAhaHA... it was a really funny evening last night.. i went and caught "Cinta" the movie.. yes eventhou i am no longer with Media Prima i still went to give my support..of course it was also to see frens on screen and give them a moral blast....
it would say this is one of the very extreamly few gems in current malaysian movies.. the acting was ok.. the cinema shoots was just beautiful.. the storyline was simple yet attached (i mean some would say that it looked like love actually ) but who cares it was an extra pinch more to being perfect.. i shall say i cried during the movie.. kudos!!!!!!!!!

i have found my new santuary

just now abg og, kak dina and me went and visited my castle mandalay... thats what i am gonna name it for the time being.. i know its a bit premature coz its not mine yet.. soon to come it shall be mine .. it shall insyaallah if god permits and i hope he does..its just so regal standing there waiting for me to get it and develope it... hahahaha ironic isnt it... yeah but soon i shall take the needed measures to get it... i can imagine once its mine and i have done it up..it shall be a distint killer... i mean diffenitely it is gonna take alot out of me but hey doesnt all good things do that.. i finally caught The Red Kebaya.. im really sorry to say this but i didnt really enjoy it.. i dont know i guess its because of the acting .. i mean among all i would have to say kudos to jo kukathas, samantha, bob, soon heng and of course fauziah nawi who i felt stole the show but the others was just dissapointing.. but i guess its not for me to say anything i guess...i mean who am i to comment on the acting...i guess these people would know much more than me as hey they have been in the industry way longer than i have but then yeah i shall say that my rm10 is just there to support the local movie industry.. and its been sometime since i saw stuart payne.. but yeah its good to see you again my fren... anyways here i am in starbucks waiting for nthye two little dunggus to finish their kummon.. i love that 2 kuchi brats i really do... im trying to cut down on my ciggi....see how far i can go or shall in say how long i could go with out it...wish me luck

i am free

it feels so liberating that i do not need to walk tip toed as if this road of mine is path with a thousand small pieces of egg shells all waiting just to break as i step onto it anymore.. today i set things straight.. i finally managed to take a breather.. its so liberating....
it was also music to my ear to hear that i have been appreciated...im not even sad that it ended this way..
i am now on this quest and on this journey that might just make me or break me.. i would definately squel and shout and run towards the mountain as i embrace this reality but then i guess thats where family comes in, people that i care about.. people that would be there standing and hold out their hands when they see me falling.. its hard to find people like that these days.. the ones that i still have i keep near my heart the ones that changed i cant do much to salvage that as there is just soo much that one could do.. i miss you and i guess you know who you are.. as your not the same person i know before and the oath that you once took which now you choose to break,, i forgive you...i guess i am at fault too.. its funny that idealistic world we choose to create. i'll stand back and smile just as long as you are happy, then i shall be happy too..
i guess its no turning back now.. no matter what people say this is my path..
i choose.. and this is the road and path that i shall take..

Post paid DiGi

ola... its 2.30pm monday and i am at home currently just woken up, had a lovely lunch and now checking my mail and updating my blog... what is it that is missing? i am not in the office... ahahahahahah yeap..i decided to take the day off as it has been a real taxing weekend last week and i dont think i am ready to face the office today... the DiGi event went off quite well i shall say..infact i would say i had a good time planning for the event and even so with all the stress that i had to go thru i still had a lot of fun and i learned a few tricks of the industry.
humm.. currently i am looking for other jobs.. hahahaha yup.. its that time again.. there are a few options that i am looking into. 1, newsreader. 2.script writer. 3, outdoor facilitator. i dont know i might just try the script writting thing. i want to do something which is in KL so that i could still host Bid 2 Win. infact i would realy want to see Bid 2 Win go to the next level with me on board. i enjoy doing it and at the same time i know i do it very well i guess that is where my flair is honestly in hosting and in acting.. hwo am i kidding? i was born to do it.. but at the same time i know that i have what it takes to run events.. very contradicting aint it... hahahaha i know for sure far reads this she is gonna start shaking her head hahahahahaha (God bless her sweet soul)
there was a period of time that i keep thinking to myself that i am really screwd up and that i would not be successful at all but then after much pondering i kinda figured i am meant to be this way as i am not made for the whole corporate world. my world is a colorful world and eventhou sometimes i decide to paint it grey but then i now make a vow never to stop painting it with different colors everyday.

it ends tonite

im currently stuck with the song.. man its like reality coming too soon.. humm.. i dont know its like sometimes i just feel that im just alone.. and that this bubble that i have around me is just gonna burst anytime soon...
its not logical, is it? but sometimes i guess things dont need to be logical anymore.. i admit its my mistake to actually consider everything on the logical side that i forget bout the emotional content.
but i guess its never too late is it to realise now that what i recently picked up to belive is not all that true..
i dont know frenship on the line.. work... art... i guess the one thing that i could currently be sure of that would not change would only be my families love towards me.. everything else is highly questionable.. its funny how you think that you think you know a certain person or loved one for ions but then there comes a day that you automaticlly changeble..
Question is would it end tonite? or am i letting it end tonite.. at times i dont want to close my eyes coz it might just end..........

Selamat Hari Raya

Kadang kala dengan kesibukan dan kehiruan tugas seharian kita luput akan ketulusan dan keikhlasan. dari itu saya ingin mengambil kesempatan pada bulan dan hari yang mulia ini untuk menyusun 10 jari meminta ampun dengan segala ketulusan dan keikhlasan. dari hujung rambut sehingga hujung kaki. selamat hari raya, maaf zahir dan bateen.

thanks to techno

ohhh man i nearly dove off just now at 4pm... thank god my dear fren bud turned on some really good tech stuff man.. real UK shit... at least that kept my eye opened. i hate it when i have to show face for the sake of showing face... theres this stupid PC that i have to attend to actually now that the only thing that i contributed to was the CEO's speech.. i am proud of myself i wrote a whole malay speech by myself hurray!! yahoo!!! and now i have to be down there and attend this press conference that there is no press attending. aint it ironic.. hahahahahaha.. ok going off now to the stupid event.. then later going home rite after.

im sleepy

aiyoh.. im soo sleepy.. im sleepy to a point that i am falling asleep infront of my pc..... its not like i dont have anything to do...i have a press release to finish but i just cant think.... help

i can feel my migrain coming... and i think its the haze..

i blame it on the blinkking haze.. im starting to get a migrane and my throat itches... arghhhh.. hate this feeling.. its been a really slow day at work today.. really slow.. one more day for my cheaque to clear.. then i can get myself a new phone and oso go have supper at the pancake shop... my god what is going on with me and wanting pancakes... yummmmmm... sumsssss belanja me pancakes.....

san benito

i feel soo liberated and amaze with myself... last nite in laundry with the ever wonderful sums, her toy boy nic, red cherry tomato farah, christina garylera and coffee maker haris.. i ordered a bottle of mineral water but hey its not any normal mineral water its san benito sparkling with a piece of lemon.. it taste like bombay saphere without the zing.... hahahahahaha.... it was funny man.. but heck its kinda liberating to be able to do such thing....
the other thing that i found funny was that i left the place at 11.45am. yes i did... it was kinda weird in the first place but then again it reminds me that i am getting old as i cant stay out that long anymore.. feel soo tua.. hahahahahaha at least people got curfew ada reason to go home and the reason sounds valid and life threatening but in my case its me who could not stand all this hussle and bussle of the place.. aiyohhh i sound soo old..
oh ya with the factor that it is ramadan thus yelar kenelar respect kan... anyways selamat berbuka people and catch ya later.

some people say i think too much..do i?

its the 5th day of fasting today yeah... i survived..what am i going about like as if last time i dont fast..the thing that i enjoy most about fasting is during the breaking of the fast.. and no its not just because of the food and the idea of filling my tummy with all the great yummy dishes that mummy and mak long prepare.. its the idea of being there with my family all seated at the same table getting ready to share and enjoy the wonderful dishes that has been prepared by my ma and aunt(god bless their sweet souls) that moment just being at that table is something that i look forward for every year... and this year by the way things are going looks like i wont be able to get to do that often as i have soo many berbuka puasa events to attend to.. nikko hotel, PNB, Tamarind hill and a whole lot more. the list just goes on and on... i dont look forward at all to breaking fast outside..but i do know some people who just cant wait to hit the buffet decks everytime ramadan comes along..maybe its just their lifestyle.. maybe i dont know i just dont see the logics behind it.
its now 12.42pm and i am counting down to going home time.. i just cant wait... i wonder whats cooking at home today.. im driving wai's car as he is in singapore attending auditions..i wish that brother luck.. he deserves something with the rate that he is going.. and the determination that he has.. hey hey that is impressive man.. people been giving me the dirty look and the smirk whenever they ask me why do i have wai's car.. i just dont understand..2 chicks can be the closest buds but when i comes to guys then its considered taboo...christ... what is this world getting to. aite.. tagging off now till we meet again in ramadan.. al fateha..

its friday hurray

i had the most unproductive, productive day of the week.. i caught the movie banquet last nite and it was disturbingly beautiful for a chinese movie(im being racist arent i) the whole works was just sooo pretty and i caught it alone.. yes as liberating as it sounds i lead a sad life going to the cinema alone hummm.......well its friday and i cant wait for it to be over with and i can get back to my family and life... and i was glad that this week i faced two of my fears and at the end of it. it is not that scary and i could say now that i am definite with the choices that i made...ok have to find someone to go lunch with me today hummmm who ya...

Time out

I had a great time... I guess it is not the venue.. But definitely the company that you are in.. It was very liberating in many ways than one.. It was a test of patience in many ways than one ... It was enjoyment in many ways than one... It was bonding in many ways than one.. I love these people.. Maybe so I am heartless .. But she caught me.. She caught me strong.. im loosing it.. N I know it aint the alcohol doing the talking.... TO BALLS LONG MAY THEY WAVE......

After math of The Shape of Things....

well its coming to a week since The Shape of Things was staged in pentas2 KLpac and now i finally had the time to digest the play... ironic aint it.. rehersals 2 months and then baru nak digest.. hey it aint too late.. i dont know why but i have a feeling that i am similiar to Phillip in 1 way or the other( oh for you who did not catch this interesting play phillip is a character in the play).. its kinda funny how i could relate to him or he relating to me as a human being. yeah, phil is actually a real nice guy.. infact he is a pretty decent bloke if you ask me.. ok there are times that he looses his top but hey tell me which red blooded male would not do that?.. the fact that he cares for Adam and looks out for him and even after being steped and walked all over on by that prick he stills try to salvage a bond that he does not want to loose.. i kinda find some similiarity with tht.. i dont know if tht is good or not but yes tht is how i am and i function.
one thing tht really stood out to me is tht the way things turn out for phil, it might just be me but i kinda have this inkling in me that i might just tread in his footsteps.. how he lost jenny and adam and ends up alone.. heck sometimes i feel that i might just already be on tht journey... i dont hope or wish for it to happen but i cant stop thinking and feeling it is happening... the bond tht i onced had with certain people is slowly growing thinner, the sincerity slowly fading, the trust nearing an end. it is sad to see this or even saying it but hey at least i am facing it.. maybe all of us are growing in different directions, maybe we finally realized tht we dont actually need these people to exist and tht with the new life tht we are leading now we will do just fine without them. but wouldnt tht mean tht wht we have done before is called using them... wouldnt tht make us worst than being shallow.i dont know and i dont know if one day i would be able to face it when i actually find the answer to this riddle.. the hopeless romantic in me is praying hard that it would not come true... but indeed if it is nearing the end.. i would have to say i have no regrets and i enjoyed every moment of it and if soo it goes on i pray that i get to spend another 1000 years to go thru what i have gone thru..... cheersssssss my friendssssssssss........................God bless...

i missing it already

hahahaha.. last nite after the end of the show and when the tech fellas were taking the whole set down. i somewhat had this sad feeling in me.. where i feel a doubt in me that could i actually survive the next 1 year or so without the lights shinning down on me.. the countless rehersals.. something that i am used to just ended yesterday.. no ended is not the right term to use as i am not ending anything yet what i am doing is just to put it on hold.. could i take that hold for the time being or would i break down.. last nite was a confirmation for me that the stage is my playground.. but then the reality of life itself would not permit me to linger to long on the see saw and swings...it is a harsh reality but then it is a reality that i would have to live with. but one thing that came out of the whole show is that sooths my heart is that i can be sure that the stage is left in good hands and i hope with the combination that we have now my playground will one day flourish and that more children like me would be able to play there at the same in peace. insyallah.......

it is really cold

yes.. im on my blog again.. i dont know y actually as i kinda have other things to do but i just cant think.. maybe its because that its too cold and that my brains have just frozen over. yeah.. that is valid.. humm an hour more till going home time.. im fasting today.. odd aint it i mean like within 2 weeks more all of us are going to start fasting for a whole month soo why put myself into the pain of fasting. but to be honest and no i am not bragging but i dont feel the pain at all. i guess its like the whole mind over matters affair. yeah thats about rite.. and maybe at the same time its the whole "niat" or "intentions"... and of course at the same time my claims have not come out yet. yeah... this is the trouble in working in a big coperation where there is like so many signatures needs to get and so many departments for it to go thru 1st and finally there would be a certain day that they would release the claim.. itu pun bukan semua...like the old company that i worked with you knew who and what is needed and you go straight to the finance part and squeeze them for it or else you tell them that they would have to buy you lunch as you dont have money to spend for lunch and since all of them are frens with you and they would definitely wont want to pay for your lunch they would definitely speed the process if they could do so. but then here hey hard cheese.... just called ma and she told me the menu for dinner tonite.. now im starting to think of the meal that i shall be having later.. sardine..vege..omelete and rice..yummmm some of you might just be rolling your eyes hearing the menu that i would be enjoying later as hey its normal simple food.. and yes i love the normal simple food.. and the feeling when you have the simple food.. wow.. its kinda mind blowing at the same time its like this feel good, warm, fuzzy feeling inside. it feels like home..it feels like "love". .. i mean day in day out you can get to feast on better more complicated dishes but then these dishes would no longer be special in a way.. the other thing is that everytime i am away for a long time from my ma.. i crave for these dishes like sardine, ikan bilis goreng kicap, daging goreng petai etc. the more simple dishes that i feel only mothers do them well.. and when mak long or andak cooks these dishes i kinda miss my mother more.. what am i yakking about... maybe what i am trying to say is that sometimes we kinda dont look at the smaller things in life the simpler things in life.. things that we usually take for granted. we only look at the whole picture on a macro scale and not on a micro scale as sometimes we tend to forget the small gestures or things that might just make life easier or more pleasant to go thru.. like helping a fren, the unexpected phone call or text.. the touch.. the smile.. the laughter... those moments can never be bought or trade. those moments shared between frens and family....it gives you the same warm, fuzzy feeling.

i need a coffee and fag now

it is 11am in the morning of the friday after merdeka day celebrations.. and i am sitting in my semi opened cubicle on the 3rd floor of a television broadcasting company.. starering into the oblivion of my pc while freezing my fingers as the air-conditioning for this place is of the atlantic.
and i am doing nothing hummmm hold on that does not seem rite i am suppose to be busy but there is nothing much to do today infact i think i could count how many personnels are here today on just one hand..yes i can actually count, eventhou i am malay...
i am now falling asleep i need a coffee and fag.. yes i have not stop smoking completely.. i want to but its just that currently its a bit hard to do when you are under such stress.. hummm that does not sound rite too actually. you might be saying that how could you have stress when you are staring into the oblivion of your pc.. but then its not always like this its like one of the few days that i actually dont have anything to do.. y?
i cant wait for it to clock 6pm today so that i could just bugger off to rehersals.. but that is like half a day more to go.. you know what io think i shall just take a long lunch today for the sake of taking lunch not that i am hungry or anything it is just that i know i would go insane soon if i stay in here longger today.. but heck with me being bored i get to update my blog..yeah i can actually write eventhou it is not award winning writing or even in the correct manner and grammar..nhahahahaha but heck yeah... at least i update my blog.. ohh ya my phone has been stolen soo currently i am as good as tom hanks and his volley ball fren on the desserted small island cant contact anyone or cant even be contactable by loved ones and family members(what am i crapping bout)so yeah do email my your phone numbers and i shall contact you with my latest number as i dont really memorize the number that i am using currently. yeah me and numbers dont actually go together ....
yyyyyy..... didnt i just take an MC or even EL for today and just sleep in and like laze at home like i did yesterday.. called beavis for lunch and the dingbat declined dont want to fren him...
alriteios i shall now sneak out of the office and go for a fag before my boss calls upon me and give me work.
adios..

i am sleepy

hey hey.. i am back from jb.. after performing habeas corpus in jb for the jbrians and it was a very interesting experience and journey that shall i say would not be easily forgoten as it bounded ties and broken relations. but all wells that ends well. i cant really put my words to paper yet but i surely would soon as neing too deep now might just evoke other emotins currently.... so please just be a bit patient and i shall get my brains working soon

HIM

Yeah, finally an afternoon to myself and I have an hour to burn and try to come up with the rite words to actually describe how have I been feeling lately specially for the past weekend. Ok where do we start? Hummmmm… (I think it’s my favorite phrase currently).
Well, I guess it all started with me resigning from a group of people that I have tremendous respect and love towards who I have been with for the past 3 years in pursuing our love for a craft that we like to call art. It was a really hard decision to make but then I somewhat knew that the shots had to be called and at the end of the day delaying it would not do anyone any good specially me. sometimes even how it sucks, we somewhat or the other have to make some really selfish decisions and sacrifices in order to be able to survive this harsh world and when we come to that cross road certain priorities have to be taken account. Which goes first and which is least important (that does not sound rite but yeah it’s like which one comes at a higher priority compared to the other) and then the decision would come while you bite your lips and know that it sucks. But hell life still goes on. It does not mean that i'm giving up my craft all together it just means that one day we shall meet again.
I guess you guys have read about the episode that I got a job with this company that I shall leave anonymous. Well what happened was that a day prior to me starting work, I was in ulu klang helping my aunt out as she had to move out from the slums(its one of the mysteries of the world the old lady has a fine brick house in shah alam and she still insist in staying in the slums. Go figure) well anyways the government wanted to take back the land so then she had to evacuate. As I was helping her out I received a phone call from a TV station (I shall leave it anonymous too) and this chap conducted a phone interview session with me after so that he wanted to see me for further discussion and I had to explain my current condition (to be honest I was not looking forward for the initial job) and he said to me to come and see him that instant. Now imagine this I was helping my aunt out carrying stuff so just picture the scene I was in my torn jeans, t-shirt and of course hair that would have made Ronald McDonald proud. So then I had to explain how I had to go home and change and all he said was that grab a jacket and be there. So here I was frantic and trying to find a good solution to solve the matter so that it would be a both win-win situation. So then alhamdullilah. farin was back from kuching and he could meet up with me in OU to pass me a jacket. So I apologized to my aunt grab a cab and headed to OU to get my hair done within 15 min and by 5pm I was in his office for the interview and after say 3 hours of interview with him and the CEO. I was let to go home. So the next day while I was on the way to my 1st day of work which was at 7am I text my soon to be boss to find out what was my fate as I appreciated if I had a chance then I would definitely gave up the 1st job and the answer I received was a counter offer from them and I said yes so now I am bound on my journey with the TV channel as cooperate communications officer. I know that he is up there listening.
So with all these going on I managed to have a few really meaningful conversations and discussions and an experimental show (kudos to 5arts) that challenged my intellect and got me thinking about a lot of stuff. In fact there was this incident that actually happened yesterday that was actually an opera moment where I had a simple discussion with a dear friend (god bless her soul) which was miss interpreted that she felt I was being depressed and so the concerned raised but as I explained to her that I was just thinking and viewing it not from the popes balcony she then (I hope) was rest assured that I was ok. But in a way it was a reassurance that there is still something called sincerity in this world. And so it is easier to sleep at night knowing that there is still glimpse of hope out there.
What I am trying to say is that if you pray hard enough and believe in HIM how he believes in you and put the effort needed then by all means HE shall listen and HE shall grant it as HE is the most merciful, gracious and forgiving. When you feel that HE had fail you trust in HIM as he has not. HE is there seeing and testing if you are strong enough and if you forsaken HIM. As HE shall never forsaken you. I am not worthy of HIM but he has never let me drown. Insyaallah I am still grasping and looking for the way to HIS path.
It is a new beginning and a new chapter in my life. Sometimes scary and sometimes exciting. I don’t know if saying that I am looking forward towards it would be a jinx but at the end of it all I know it would be different and there would always be its ups and downs whether I am ready or not it would in a way or the other hit me. would I then run from it or would I take it in my stride, it is a question that I shall not answer now and leave open as sometimes putting your word on a certain issue is not as easy as it seems as for definite you would be open to attacks from all sides but heck let them come and I shall face them as graceful as HE allows me.

odd

i cant really think of how i would want to update my blog this time around.. soo much things have been happening to me for the past week and yet this time around putting it to words seems just too hard to do..... i shall wait till all out and find that moment where i would then start to compose and share.. but for now i am at peace.

change

yesterday i went and send my cousin to the airport. from yesterday till the next three years he shall be posted in kuching, sarawak. well some say with him being a pilot and all its not a problem as he could always commute. but the problem with being born in this family is that all of us are soo close to each other and that we are always there for one and the other but then now its a different story altogether as he is in the foreign land alone.. some might just say that hey whats the big cry for its not a big deal but lets just say that its hard and even logic wont be able to answer this question as its not answerable.....anyways before he left he told me that its a new chapter and a new beginning for him there and soo i wish him all the best.. and at the same time yesterday i was called back for a 2nd interview and i nailed a job with alhamdullilah a good starting pay( i know hes there listening) and at the same time it might just alter my course in life. besides the new job an incident happend last week that will in a way change my course i will be leaving a group of people that i respect and loved. who understands my passion and my worries when it comes to my art. something that i know i would miss having. but then it does not mean that i shall leave my art.i shall still strive and struggle to find outlets of release and insyaallah i shall be able to do it. i see it as karma, i see it as fate, i see that Allah has his ways and has his intentions and plans and if i be steadfast enough then he shall guide me to the right path. but for now i shall ride the wave and see where it takes me. Cheers to "a new chapter in life!!"

wow

hey hey people check this out!!!! its still as virgin as can be.. its a 7 step waterfall in kl.

and now you can enjoy it for only RM100 per pax..

what you waiting for...

frozen

life is frozen currently... nothing organic about it. unexpected growth and advancements are happening without planning and actual process. what scares me is that now i am riding the wave like its meant to be normal. now i dont even know what is normal and what is not. but heck i'll just go with it and experience. with gods blessing i shall survive.

still

ohh man its been like three months now that im out of job yup 3 months... the longest i guess i felt this way.. i feel soo useless and bored.
i really cant understand how some people are able to do such wonders such as stay home and waste the effort and the knowledge that they strive for in school and uni( im starting to sound too preppy) but its true.. god help them.. if i was to do my PHD( forbid) i think it would be a reaaly good topic to research on infact i know a speciment that they could work on hummmmm.. im like sending tons and tons of resume out and its like you know one of those dire fishing games that the fish just aint bitting ( oh my god i forgot im suppose to be studying bout beckett soo that by next week when i attend the workshop i know the shit that the instructor is taking about.) hummm... fantastic life that i have.. jesus( i know im not suppose to use his name in vain) im really starting to drain out i need to perk myself up again.. HELP!!!!!!

for you shall be missed

Today at 8pm, The Ensemble Theater of Kuala Lumpur has sadly lost a beloved brother, member and friend.
we hope that you shall be able to find peace and fulfilment in the theater world outside.
A moment of silence.

mundane....

yet another sad and lifeless phase in my life..
yeah i am now officially a year older than last..hahahahaha
yup.. i mean i dont know am i suppose to feel special at the strike of 12.( as if the same stuff that happens to cinderella with the fairy dust..for crying out loud i watch too much disney)
but yeah its kinda different.. someone wise told me that life is simple if you choose to make it simple but its really screwed up if your just fucked... wise words indeed..
well i celebrated my birthday this year with people that i love.. i guess when you do get old it matters.. i spent that day as slow as possible out to lunch then to dinner with people that i care and care about me..then the following saturday we had a unique little intimate dinner between my frens and i at Rahsia which afterwards we adjourned to K-oke(god cherrish and bless their souls).. it sounds damn lame rite but hey i enjoyed it. i mean there used to be a time where it would have to be posh dinning(still is) and endless hours of partying till the early morn..which will end up with me waking up the next noon without knowing how did i get myself to where i was at the moment of recovery(lets not put specific details here). but now thats no longer the case.. infact to date iv not received any gifts actually and it does not really matter.. humm odd.. i would have jumped out of my skin by now.. but not this year.. but i did receive a really good present thou from the NEW YORK FILM ACADEMY. ive been accepted into their 8 week acting course which will take place early september till november. if i go i shall be spending autumn in manhattan(according to someone that i know its the best time to be in new york as its the most beautiful time) man getting to feel arts and being artistic at the same time in a city full of different flavours, colors, life. would just be heavenly.. the shopping and of course broadway wowwww its just mind blowing.. but then now it all boils down to if i would be able to secure the goverments grant. if my dear malaysia would pay for my 2 months course there ahhhh then that would be icing on my cake for this year as i have not travelled out side of malaysia this year yet.. i need the different air out there to make me miss my mother earth malaysia tanah tumpah darah ku(ahhahahahaha) but if i go it would also means sacraficing raya but heck i'll make up for it next year.. hahhhhh i'm praying and keping my fingers crossed.. i hope the big guy up there hears me and am on my side ameen.. gd nite blog.. i'll write again when i get back from penang.

hummmm

anyone interested in employing an ex-make-up artist @ struggling actor-ex school teacher-emcee....
if there are such kind souls out there jujst leave me a note ya and i shall get back to you soon..... hahahhahahahaha i sound that desprate dont i.

its been long

hello.. web page... how have you been ?
me , well my legs hurts for one...
im out of job..
waiting for replies for some jobs that i tried to apply..
feeling abit useless..
am out of cash
whats new?